Sometimes I open up a new post on my blog, and I stare at the screen (or past the screen) trying to decide what to write. Always many thoughts flash through my head, and I attempt to put words to them but often they fail me. At times like these I am often reminded of a line from a movie, where an author mentoring a young student says, "Write first, think later." I try to follow that, and then I worry that no one wants to see the depths of my emotion, or worse, that I won't be able to convey them anyway. Then I decide to try it anyway.
Let me paint you a picture with words.
She has a dazzling smile. There is almost nothing as sweet as hearing her say, "mum". The way she holds me when she is frightened or hurt, as though I am the only one who can help her is endearing. The innocence in everything she does is so sweet. She loves to help so much, and I love that, but it can be frustrating. I try to let her help anyway. One day I'll miss the sweet way she says things like, "mooooooooore," "bing," (finished) "muhmoon," (moon) and, the way she tells me Hayley wants "moo" when she means milk... even though that kind of makes me feel like a cow! :P
Mostly it freaks me out thinking ahead to things like Natalie starting school, going on dates, etc... but occasionally I think, "I can't wait til Natalie can do x." I have to remind myself that one day she'll be all grown up and (no doubt I will love her for who she is then too, but) I'll be looking back remembering how much I loved her just the way she is now... even despite all the hard bits.
There are things that I hope can always stay the same... like the way she trusts mum and dad will always be there for her, love her unconditionally, and protect her. Like the way she loves and adores her sister. The way she problem solves and can figure things out if you don't jump in to soon. The way she is quick to smile. The way her eyes sparkle when she's happy. The way she is such good friends with her daddy. The way everyone sees what a beautiful girl she is... (I may need to revise that last bit when she's about 16.)
My life changed the day you were born, it will never be the same again, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I know that feeling ... sitting at the screen and staring, not knowing what to write. I think you've said many things that we, as mothers, have all felt from time to time. Lovely post.
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