Anniversary, baby, and family

Dear world,

It's only 1pm, but today has been an amazing day.

It would have been amazing automatically: it is mine and Jonathan's 4th anniversary and we are spending 2 nights away while our mum's take care of our little princesses. I'm so blessed to have had four wonderful years with Jonathan. It is also the celebration of the start of our family - our two little girls definitely feature in my joy too.

To add to the excitement, we got to have an ultrasound today. I am 20 weeks pregnant and it was a pretty detailed scan. Since we've got home I've been looking at the ultrasound pictures, adoring that sweet little face. That sweet little man! That's right - we're having a boy :D We would have been in love either way, but that news did add seem to stretch our smiles even that little bit further. We have a healthy little bubba on the way. I'm relieved that I wasn't being too hasty to pass on the clothes that our youngest has been outgrowing and we had no room to store - her brother won't need them!

As it does often, it strikes me how richly blessed I am. It's a feeling that has little to do with material goods and everything to do with love.

Always grateful,
Tracey

INTRODUCING Friday Dance Party

It's Friday! Isn't that awesome?

So far today I have done the grocery shopping, come home and opened up all the windows to allow the refreshing breeze through the house, cleaned the bathroom, washed dishes, and I'm ready to sit down and rock the blog! My oldest is at childcare, and the little one is sleeping so the time is right.

I have decided that on Fridays I am going to blog with the title 'Friday Dance Party'! This is a celebration of all that is good and has made us dance during the week, literally or figuratively. The idea actually came about one week as I danced around to my own favourite music cleaning - and being grateful for a home to clean and a family to clean and work for. I NEVER thought I'd say this, but I actually have come to appreciate time spent doing housework. As a side note - Natalie loves dancing and keeps saying she wants to dance, and that she is a ballerina... I think I'll be enrolling her in a dance class soon! Anyway, these posts are really about gratitude, which to me is a joyful feeling that kind of makes me want to dance!

So, here is what has been going on at my house lately, (since it's my first blog of the year) and then the things that made me dance!

The past two weeks in our house have been a bit crazy. Last week Jonathan was home sick with a chest infection and although I love having him home,  I would obviously rather he didn't have to be sick. I must admit though that since he was sick I did enjoy taking care of him and working extra hard so he could put is feet up - is that crazy? (I think not) The girls and I have all been a little sick this week, but fortunately not so much as Jonathan. Last weekend we also rearranged the house quite significantly as well as creating a VERY large pile of things to give away / take to Good Will or the Salvos. I'm definitely loving the order that has come/is coming about due to that. 


Here are particular things that have been filling me with gratitude - that dance for joy kind of feeling:

• The feeling of great wellbeing within myself. Not necessarily about physical health, but wellbeing nonetheless.
• My beautiful family. Beautiful smiles and giggles that fill my home everyday.
• Love at home.
• Sweet cuddles with my baby girl for almost an hour one morning this week.
• The laughter that filled my home when my bestie since forever visited, and our kids were having so much fun together.
• The scriptures - this year I am aiming to read the entire standard works and my study has become quite meaningful and a source of strength to me.

So that is a concise list that could have a lot added to it, but they are the things that I thought of first and foremost. Please feel free to write a 'Friday Dance Party' post on your blog (link back with love), or just to comment with some of the things you've been grateful for this week!

Tracey

#reverb12 Days 19 - 30

More answers to the #reverb12 challenge:



Day 19 - How did you nourish your beautiful body in 2012? What self-care practices will you take with you into 2013?

Hmm.. I can't say I've done a LOT of caring for my body this year, or in the past generally... but I did start seeing the chiropractor - does that count? It's my way of caring about myself instead of always ignoring all the aches and pains (and there tend to be a lot of them)!

For the new year I want to either get a bike or do a lot more walking! That is difficult since we don't really live in comfortable walking distance of much now and it also means a lot more time management issues... but if the weather is ok, we can just walk for the sake of it when we've got nowhere else to be.  :)



Day 20 - What was lost in 2012? What do you intend to find in 2013?

Lost in 2012? I'm not really sure how to answer this question... I think I lost a lot of self-doubt - that's a good loss!

In 2013 I intend to find more time for other people. I feel that in 2012 I've been so caught up in only just managing my own life - the sweet and not so sweet bits - that I haven't had / found enough opportunities to be there for other people. I'm becoming more aware of this need within myself to know how I can bless others and follow through on that too. :) I have been so blessed by love - the love of family and friends, and through them God's love - and, knowing how it has enriched my life, I honestly want to be able to give that back to the people around me.


Day 21 - What items did you tick off your dream list in 2012? What other, unexpected, dreams came to fruition? What are the top three items on your dream list for 2013?

I think I did more surviving than achieving dreams this year, and I am ok with that! I have done a fair bit of goal setting in the past few months though. I don't know which (if any) of these will come to complete fruition in 2013, but they are things I will be working toward:

- Finishing my SACE

- Doing grade 7 and 8 piano exams and then getting my diploma!

- Jonathan and I will also be working toward buying a house :)

Day 22 - What was the greatest gift you received in 2012? What was the greatest gift you gave? What do you intend to give yourself in 2013?

This year I received the gift of friendship in great abundance. It has been such a blessing to have new friendships develop as well as a strengthening of continuing friendships. I've also been trying to give that same gift to those around me. It is a gift that blesses the giver as well as the receiver! ... and sometimes (more often than not?) you are on both ends of the equation at once! :D

The gift that I intend to give myself in 2013 is... grace. That's all about not expecting perfection all the time - but I've spoken plenty about that so I'll leave it for now. :)

Day 23 - Name three excuses -- stories you tell yourself that are holding you back -- that you are going to let go of in 2013.

Personally, I think I'm pretty good at not giving myself excuses...

Off the top of my head, I do want to stop excusing myself for not taking good enough care of my own body though. As I have mentioned before, I'm going to need it for the rest of my life! So I do need to look at how I'm going to put physical exercise in to my week and how I can further improve my eating habits.



Day 24 - What is the single most important habit you intend to cultivate in 2013?

Single most important? This is another one that I'm struggling to find an answer for... One that I know is important and I need to develop further is the idea of mindfulness or intentionality: being in and enjoying the blessing of the moment. In the past I know I have spent far too much time rushing on to the next thing so that I can conquer that 'to-do list' and not nearly enough time just enjoying everything that is around me. Time to change.



Day 25 - How will you be vulnerable?

The soft white underbelly, the flaw in the armor, the Achilles' heel -- weaknesses are what make us the most human, the most beautiful.
Next year, how will you tend to your vulnerabilities? How will you build them a shelter from the storm? How will you put them through physical therapy? How will you find a way to make them work to your advantage? 

I have issues with vulnerability. I'm not comfortable with it at all. I have always tended to avoid it at all costs. I've had this habit of not even admitting to myself when there are things in my life that are causing me grief/anxiety, etc... Honestly, I know a couple of people who I feel seemed to realise when I was unhappy before I'd even acknowledged it myself... and I would persist in saying that I was perfectly fine - all to avoid vulnerability I suppose.

In 2013, and now, I will be working on trust. Trust in other people will be a shelter of sorts. Fortunately I have a husband who, over the past four years that I've known him, I have learnt to trust and I do confide in. I know I could, if I were willing, extend that trust to others and I intend to do so when I have that need.

And here I am splashing out my vulnerability on to your computer screen!

Day 26 - How do you intend to carve out more time for the things that are the most important to you in 2013?

I have learned, primarily through the example and encouragement of my husband, the importance of goal setting. I've often heard him say, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail" (or something of the sort).

In 2013 I will be continuing the habit of setting goals and planning for the things that I want to achieve!


Day 27 - How did you make time for creativity in 2012?

Looking back, is there one creative time or one particular creation that stands out for you? (Maybe you could share it here?) How will you continue (or start) making time and space for your creative passions in 2013?

I didn't get to share it with many people, but this Christmas season I wrote an arrangement to one of my favourite Christmas Hymns and I would have to say I'm quite happy with it! It was a fun and rewarding process and I do hope that I will one day have the opportunity to use it and hear it come to life. :)

Since my piano lessons finished for the year (my teacher always breaks over the Christmas holidays) I haven't been practising the piano much at all, but I intend to start that again this week. I want to progress so I make time for it everyday even if that means getting up really early.



Day 28 - Think of three things that daunted you in 2012: how are you going to work towards overcoming them in 2013?

I am enjoying the process of #reveb12... but some of these questions are really hard to answer. I guess that's the point though - you have to really reflect.

Hmm. Sometimes my older daughter's behaviour is quite daunting. My emotions have been daunting at times. :P 'Keeping up' has been daunting too. Maybe I'm not thinking very hard about this question (the 'catch up' on answering them has been time consuming) but they have all daunted me at one time or another. 

I think with anything that daunts you you have to either come up with strategies to change / deal with the situation... or you have to embrace it. Some things that are daunting aren't actually bad, and once you accept them they can become beautiful.



Day 29 - What word did you select to be your travelling companion in 2012? What gifts did this word bring? What word will you choose to guide you through 2013? What do you hope it will bring into your life?

I didn't pick a word specifically for 2012... some words that come to mind that followed me throughout the year are: grow, change and intentional. Intentional has been one of the most important.

For 2013 I would like to use the word courage. Courage to hold fast to moral values. I want to remember that wrong is wrong no matter who is doing it, and that right is right no matter who isn't doing it and to say how I feel.

I want to be remember to be bold - immediately and not at the last possible moment, which is sometimes too late anyway. I want to have courage that will make it easier to stand up for others and to stand alone when I have to. That courage may be borne of knowing that I am never alone anyway.

I hope this courage will also help me to try new things, and to persevere in achieving my goals even in those difficult moments when those goals seem unattainable.

Day 30 - Often we see our life as a humongous journey, and we believe that not only have we not arrived at our far away desired destination, but we also think we must accomplish x, y, and z, before we can declare with satisfaction that we are THERE.
For a moment, take a close look at who you are NOW. See what you can declare.
Merge the past, present, and future into one big ARRIVAL.
Describe joyously and in great celebration the BEING that you ARE. 
(If you like, try writing this in third person as if you were a news reporter and this article about you is appearing in a publication you love and respect.)

Simply, I have arrived at being happy. I don't think that requires a lot of words to explain.
Yes, there are things that are uncomfortable in life. Yes, I have imperfections - there are things I need to change. But the difficult things don't define my life. My imperfections don't define me....

and I can be happy!

Reverb days 12 and 13 - emotions and photos

What made you dance in 2012? What made you weep?

Well, a lot of the year really passed by in a blur and I have to really think about... there have definitely been a full spectrum of emotions for me this year though.
To start on the 'what made me weep' end of the scale... I don't know about just 1 moment that was more intense than any other but for me this year, those moments centred around feelings of inadequacy as a mother (and sometimes other things I am doing). Moments when I simply didn't know if I was 'cut out' for it, and felt like I wasn't doing as good a job with everything as I should be, or as someone else was.

As for the 'made you dance' moments... well, in contrast, they're all centred in those moments of clarity where I was able to comprehend just how richly I am blessed. Times where I was in the moment, and just being with and loving my little family. Times when I forgave the myself for the things that weren't done or that I hadn't done well and focused instead on what was done, and done well.

It has also brought a lot of joy to see my little girls developing and being so happy within themselves, and seeing Jonathan come closer to being able to achieve things he has been hoping to do. Most important of all it has been seeing our family dynamics shift as we become closer <3

lol, this has all got me singing, "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone..." haha!



Please post your favourite picture of yourself from 2012, self-portrait or otherwise!

Ok, so I don't think I have a single picture of just myself during the year... I'm only in them with other people, and no - I'm not going to just take a picture of myself now to put on this blog - haha!

So I'm just going to upload a pic of me with my girls.. sadly not many photos of our whole family either :(

I love the way Natalie is looking at Hayley here!

Reverb12 day 11 - Music to Your Ears

I am loving todays question in the Reverb challenge:

What was music to your ears in 2012, literally or metaphorically?


I love you

Other Sweet Nothings, spoken quietly

Natalie saying that she is beautiful - yes!
Natalie telling me that she loves me, or daddy, or Hayley.
Natalie singing
Natalie saying things that show me how much she understands, or wants to know more
Natalie talking, period!

Hayley's contented 'chatting' and her sweet little laugh.

My children laughing and/or playing happily - whether it be on their own, together, with their daddy, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or other friends... 

Any child's joy for that matter

Hymns

Christmas carols

Hearing my own progress in playing the piano and being told that I passed my grade 6 exam


There are probably many other things that I could write here that were also good to hear... but in the few moments that I have, these are the things that matter.

Reverb '12 days 9 and 10

What was the best book you read in 2012, and why? (And by "Why?" I mean: Why did you read it? And why was it your favourite? Although these answers could be one and the same...!)

So, initially I wasn't even going to answer this question because I couldn't think of much I had read this year, but as I went to write a comment to that effect I did think of one!

Going with books I hadn't read prior to this year, the best thing I've read was Learning Dispositions. When I began reading it and attending the class where I got it, I really didn't think it would be as big a deal to me as it ended up being. But it ended up being the best book for me because it has really helped me a lot as a mother. I can look at behaviour that we tend to think of as 'naughty' and I can now be a lot calmer while still setting boundaries and see what my daughters are trying to communicate, as well as how I might better direct them to put their Purposefulness and Persistence or Confidence or Resourcefulness, etc. to a positive use. I can see that all behaviour has meaning and I know what I can do to help them develop skills that will benefit them throughout their lives and help them be life long learners.

It's really hard to explain just what this book has given me as a parent, but it has given me a lot.



What was the greatest risk you took in 2012? What was the outcome?

Another difficult question to answer.. and even as I began typing this I didn't know what the answer wiould be... and now I this is the question I don't want to answer, but in the spirit of my thoughts about this question, I guess I will!

It's really been a less risky year than other recent years for me... 2009 I got married and in 2010 and 2011 I gave birth... this year nothing major like that, lol!

I guess I have taken a different type of risk this year... in being more open about my experiences since becoming a mother (without wanting to be overly public about it...) I have felt a lot of vulnerability in doing so, but it has also has given me more reason to look for the good, be grateful, and embrace joy and left me feeling more capable, confident, resilient and stronger all round. It's been a risk worth taking - I am loving my family and my life and everything in it right now!

Being like me

Recently I was having a conversation with my mum in which I told her that I wished I was more like my sisters i.e. was more organised / on top of things etc, and then my mum preceded to tell me that yes, they are those things but reminded me that I have got things going on in my life that they don't, and also told me that one of my sisters had said to her that they wished they were more like me in another way...

I found it quite interesting and have thought about it a bit since then. I think we often look at others and are apt to see the good that they do and the skills that they have and think, "I wish I were more like them and could do ______"... as if that one thing is what defines the other person as good / talented / etc. and that this quality would therefore define us in the same way. The fact is that we all have different things that make us who we are... and that is as it should be.

We all have strengths and weaknesses. We have to stop comparing our weaknesses to someone else's strengths and vice versa. We have to stop comparing.

Well, I guess I have one exception - comparing who we are to who we have been. I once attended a school where the Vice Principal would often talk about our Personal Best, and that this was the most important thing we had to achieve. I believe that to be true.

I believe in looking for the good - in myself in others.

I believe that we often think much less of ourselves than others think of us.

I believe that we often think much more of others than they think of themselves.

I believe in taking notice of how far I have come.

I believe in considering my potential and reaching for the best and that this means planning.

I believe that we become who we want to be by being what we want to become.

I believe in finding happiness by losing the need to compare myself to other people.

I believe in being me - the best me that I can be.

Letting go

I have been thinking a lot lately about how a slight shift in mindset can make a world of difference every day. They are things like having an attitude of gratitude, choosing happiness, living intentionally, and embracing the moment. For me one of the most powerful of these is the idea of letting go - which is what I'd like to write about now.

It is simple things like the way you think and feel when you don't get much done in your kitchen over the weekend because you're out a lot, organising other aspects of your home, spending time with family. Usually in circumstances like this I'd end up thinking, "it got out of control" or "I can't manage this" and consequently feel guilty for not getting it done as well as helpless to get it back under control. Instead I can now look at it and say, "I let it go". That is more accurate anyway, but it also empowers me to take charge of everything again and find someway, amidst child rearing and what ever other things I may have committed myself to, to catch up on things.

It has also been a great blessing to let go of the need for things to be perfect before I can be happy or to live up to an ideal that I used to have and thought was oh so important... and in the process recognise that I have so much joy now and begin to focus on the things that do actually matter.

I've also let go of my... unenthusiastic attitude toward messy children's activities - Natalie has had a lot of fun painting and doing paper mache in the kitchen over the past few days... during which time I reminded myself countless times, "that's why we're doing this on tiled floors with washable paint" or "it's just flour and water, flour and water, flour and water" haha! Ok, so I'm still working on the 'letting go' as far as that is concerned.

I've also let go of a lot of things to do with my children's behaviour. I've done a lot of parenting classes (hey, if everyone else can do career development stuff I might as well - this job is the most important one I've ever had!) and learnt a lot about the way children learn, make sense of the world around them, that they need us to help them regulate their emotions and cope with things that are overwhelming to them (and in time be able to do that more independently) and basically that all behaviour has meaning. All of that could take up several blogposts though, so perhaps another time. In any case, it has helped me to let go of certain expectations related to their behaviour.

I've also learned to let go of other peoples expectations of me. If I can't please everyone, such as life. If I'm doing what is best for my family and putting in my time where it really counts - then I am doing fine by me!

For me, letting go has been like water to thirst. :-)

Change what you can. Accept what you can't. Let go.

I am not an island

No man or woman is an island, nor should we try to be. Human beings are born to be in relationship with other human beings. This is easy to see when we think about babies and young children, but I think sometimes as adults we forget how important it is for us too.

I, like any of you, have had my share of things in my life that have brought with them sadness, anxiety, etc... but I have realised (especially since becoming a mother) that the times when those negative feelings endure are when I have tried to 'deal with it' all myself, have perhaps been embarrassed, and have tried to convince myself that it's stupid to tell anyone or that I'm wrong to feel that way; on the other hand, when I surround myself with people who genuinely care and want to help - I am a strong, invincible woman... because I have these amazing people around me.

Sometimes we don't realise how much we need others until we let them in to our lives and our hearts - really let them in - present not just in our lives but in our hearts! I have realised that I need these people. People who have faced the challenges I have and come out on the other side. People who haven't had those challenges, but they care anyway. People who will also share their struggles with me and allow me to help them, or just be there to listen.

Often that is all you need - someone who will listen to you ramble on about all the things that make your days seem long and weary so that in verbalising it you can put it all in to perspective and realise that there is also much in life that makes each day sweet and memorable and full of joy.

Because there really is so, so, so, so, so, so much that is sweet and blessed about every day. We just have to not try to be an island. Coz no matter how beautiful it is, a deserted island can be a very lonely place to stay.

Thank you to my husband and the many other people in my life who have been ever dependable and have become an integral part of who I am. <3

Living Intentionally

One of the blogs I love to read is finding joy. She writes often about living intentionally, and about slowing down and embracing today, and these posts always inspire me. I have a lot to learn, but I recognise a great need to be 'in the moment' with my family more often. I find I all too easily slip in to the pattern of stressing too much about spills and toys on the floor and things that need to be done and always rushing on to the next thing. I think, "I'll tidy the kitchen, and ______ and _____ .... and then I'll read some books to my girls / watch a movie with my husband / put whatever it is aside and just have fun with my family - and then I get to the end of the day and more often than not it's another day in which I haven't taken full advantage of the wonderful opportunity to just stop and enjoy the wonderful gift of family.

Even as I started this post last night, Jonathan was getting ready to go to bed and I knew that if I finished this post then, he would probably have fallen asleep by the time I got there, and I would miss the opportunity to just talk and that time we spend letting each other know about small things that happened throughout the day while Jonathan was at work or I was out at a choir rehearsal. And so this waited until today.

Those are the types of things that don't make much difference in our day-to-day living, but they make all the difference in our relationships. They're the kind of things that help us realise the joy that we are meant to have in life.

So, I am trying to identify ways in which I can be more intentional. Here is an example of my planned 'intentional moments' for today.

1. Organise a surprise for when my eldest gets home that will be meaningful for her. Enjoy with her.
2. Spend at least 20 minutes on the floor with my youngest with lots of talking and laughing (instead of working while she plays)
3. Write a gratitude list for the day.

Be intentional.

Enjoying my children

Recently I have come across a blog which may be my new favourite: finding joy (thanks to my cousin Sarah).

Basically everything I've read on this blog is awesome, but some of her posts that I've read so far and enjoyed are: three mom goals for the week; 20 motherhood tips; 20 {more} motherhood tips; and how to find joy -- in motherhood; starting at the top

Some of the posts that I read got me to thinking about the time that I spend with my children... and I realised that far too much of it is spent getting ready to do the next thing... or checking on them every so often while I do house work... or with other people around who have my attention while the kids do their own thing. Don't get me wrong, we do have wonderful and sweet moments each day, but I have made a commitment to myself that I need to set time aside where my attention is wholey and solely for them.


I'm talking moments in each day where I show them that I have an interest in what their doing and that I delight in them... but also a longer period of time (a few hours) once a week where everything else gets put aside and it is time I spend just enjoying my children.

Because, frankly, relationships with your children (particularly toddlers) can be strained by mundane things like poop in the knickers for the fourth time in the same day, screaming matches over not being able to do a specific activity, or how difficult it is to teach them how to play nicely! On the flip side, I'm sure Natalie (and in time Hayley will) gets sick of hearing things like, "be careful", "are you sure you don't need the toilet","what have you got there" etc. ;) ... and so I figure that it's a good idea to invest time in our relationship that will be positive and remind each other (specifically mummy) of the love we have and that it's all worth the difficult bits in the end.

Today we went to a new playground I discovered on a website playgroundfinder.com: Heywood Park (in Unley Park). We had packed lunch with us, and as Natalie had fallen asleep on the way there I parked in the shade, wound the windows down and sat for a while, while I focused on Hayley and fed her lunch. About the time that was done Natalie woke up and we got out. Natalie decided she wanted to eat lunch first and then play, so we sat at a picnic table, looked around and chatted. Mostly Hayley sat in the pram while we followed Natalie around and helped her on the equipment when needed, but I also carried her for a while...

Anything worthwhile is worth the time spent nurturing it!